Hello. My name is Volodymyr and there is war in my country.
The following lines were written by a native Ukrainian who has been living in the active hostilities zone for at least 260 days.
The desire to stay in this text arose at the beginning of March 2022, but the fingers crawled to the keyboard only at the end of the year.
All this time, I mentally wrote, noted down various thoughts, observations, and now I am ready to tell through the eyes of an ordinary person what war is like for me personally.
Each problem, topic has its own concise name, title in the article and, perhaps, will have a separate page on the site, where I will be more eloquent about this topic.
So if you want to look inside the word “war”, if you are not afraid to learn the truth from a Ukrainian, sit down more comfortably for careful reading.
Before I begin my thoughts, I must say something about the pictures on this page. Most of them will not be directly related to the war in any way, my goal is to reproduce the contrast with this terrible phenomenon, to remind the reader of a normal, civil, calm, full of joy and life happiness.
All photos are taken by Ukrainians (source: Shutterstock), as are most of the images on this site. Why there are so many of them in the article, you can read in detail at this link.
On them you will find Ukrainians (children, women, men), animals, and the bright landscapes of our country. These photos will help you see Ukraine, feel it, and not just read in my lines.
My English
This text was translated from Ukrainian by my own hand. There may be mistakes in the text. This is normal, because I do not know English perfectly. Also, some sayings, individual words cannot be translated literally, because they do not have full analogues, so the English version cannot convey the full spectrum, mood and peculiarity of the original work. If you notice an obvious mistake in the text, you can write about it. I will be grateful for help from experts in English.
For most, war is “somewhere out there”
As long as trouble does not touch you directly, you do not want to get into this dirt, horror, look into the death’s eyes and watch its breath in the movements of passers-by.
The war in Ukraine has been going on for more than 8 years, but both for me and for many, its actual and undeniable existence began precisely in 2022.
This happened for many reasons.
Here I will point out only one thing: social resonance, media coverage of this phenomenon was not so active and large-scale to call it a real war.
Even the military, comparing today and distant 2014, say that then it was “just a walk”.
“Somewhere there” quickly and without doubt changed to “somewhere very, very close” and the meeting with the war took place forcibly, rapidly, undeniably.
An ordinary person is far from politics
Politics for the majority is a dark forest, and I would really like the opposite.
Unfortunately, ignorance and intellectual blindness do not allow us to spread our wings and at least see the elementary relationships between events, hear the logic’s voice, feel the justice’s moan and finally feel the power at least on the example of our own life.
An ordinary person is far from politics and it will probably remain so for a very long time, at least in Ukraine. Because the conditions are created when they are not at all necessary.
Will there be changes?
Wait and see.
Conscious citizens understand the motives and can produce at least basic analytical thoughts, but the majority still see what is happening very superficially and on this surface only their suffering, fears, unknown, hatred, aggression, death, despair, rage.
Nobody cares about politics until you hear the sirens.
No one wants to get into politics while you have a job, while wages are paid, while stores have everything needed for a comfortable life, while your city is not being shelled and houses are bombed.
No one needs politics, because for most it is dirt and darkness, because for the average citizen it is a news feed about local problems, gossip from the neighbor and overheard world news while cooking breakfast.
Everything changes when a real war begins in your country.
The policy no longer flirts with you from the TV screen, she falls down in dirty boots, drunk as shit and frantically vomits directly on the rug bought only yesterday in the living room. And you have to clean up, look at what was observed, that this whore poured into her mouth between drinks, who was with her in the bar, who she gave to, who she sent away. You have nowhere to turn, you sit, almost in tears for your new rug and look into the abyss of her glass eyes.
Power does not belong to the people
It is a pity, but the broad masses were and continue to be ruled by a limited number of people who care only about their own comfort, security, ambitions and pretend that ordinary people decide something.
All illusions about people’s power wander in the heads of infantile superficial geopolitical scientists.
Yes, the citizens’ opinion will be listened to from above, but decisions will still be made without public consent and in the interests of someone, but not the people.
And when the population (the majority) nods its mane approvingly at one or another political decision, it is simply a coincidence of the interests of both sides.
There will always be a valid argument for every decision, it is prepared immediately (like “What can we say to them so that they don’t shout and sit quietly?”).
Those who are “there”, they know better “what” to do, and that is why they are “there”, to decide for everyone.
If it were otherwise, there would be no wars, no crises in the world, no gap between the rich and the poor layers. But this alternative reality is only possible in fantasies.
The title of this part is controversial and debatable, so I leave space for more balanced thoughts on this topic for a separate article.
War is regular thoughts about death
I used to think about death at least once a day.
Now (practically the whole year 2022) I can remember it 10 times or more per day.
Once, many years ago, my friend asked: “Do you often think about how you will die?”. I answered: “Every day.”
And now it turns into a ritual about exactly how and exactly what could happen in the most diverse variations.
It does not affect me deeply, it does not particularly affect my condition, I look at it from a practical point of view, from a natural position.
Sirens… Air Alarms…
Every time I hear this mournful wail (and it happens several times a day), I imagine how and where a bomb or a missile will hit. And what will I do at this time.
Hiding behind two (three) walls in the apartment?
Watch how my five-story house collapses like a house of cards?
Fly away with the explosive wave to another part of the room or even the apartment?
When you do it for the hundredth, five hundredth time – almost nothing happens inside, it becomes a normal thing for you, the body adapts and you quickly dismiss these thoughts with the words “we’ll figure it out when something happens, I believe that everything will alright.”
But the thought of death still flashes with almost every siren, for a moment, but flashes, a reminder that you are alive and you have to care at least a little about it to continue on your way.
You want to continue, don’t you? (to myself every time).
In the worst case, I would like a quick death, and not a painful end under the rubble.
In my thoughts, as soon as the building where I live was not destroyed. What scenarios did not unfold in the imagination, which is free from fear and limitations. Fantasy holds the optimism’s hand and smiles mischievously, because no one knows exactly what will happen in the next minute.
Death is life, but that is a topic for a separate text…
Each side has their own truth
This conflict between russia and Ukraine reminded me in February of a quarrel between old friends or spouses who have been married for several happy years and have reached the point where they have to finally dot the dots.
War makes everything so that each side has its own view of the dispute. The confrontation is based on maintaining and building barricades of one’s theses, principles, and positions, which implies disdain and lack of compromise to an adequate opposite perception.
Everyone fights for their ideals, each side has their own truth.
At the very beginning, I had several attempts to look on the other side, to feel like a muscovite, because I really wanted to make sure that I was walking the right path.
I listened to their politicians’ words and ordinary people, I honestly tried to live a few days with their spirit, ideas, thoughts. And I did not succeed.
I didn’t find anything there…
Complete darkness, constant lies, distortion of facts, aggression, arrogance and much more.
If the defending country can somehow explain its propaganda tools at the international level, then the attacking side must be more indisputable and logical.
But for its own population, logic and consistency are not a necessary ingredient.
russia feeds its citizens with crap around the clock and they are used to such a diet.
Any organism adapts to living conditions and after a certain time rejoices at least because it is alive and not hungry. And what happens there at the higher echelons, “let them decide for themselves, we elected them for this.”
The trust level in the authorities of muscovite beings is colossal.
And that is why their truth is no worse than ours.
Ukraine engages in propaganda in the same way as russia, but it does it to defeat the occupier and uses more adequate and humane techniques.
The topic that I touched on at the beginning, about spouses, I will reveal in the other article, because there is something to say after 260 days of full-scale war.
A local war that affected the whole world
russia’s full-scale invasion of Ukraine on a global scale is an outright local confrontation. In the period from 2014 to February 2022, that’s for sure. For the most part, society perceived these troubles as a small nuisance, a pimple that will go away by itself, we will not treat it.
It was this procrastination and community unwillingness to act at the first bells that led to the modern confrontation.
This local, at first glance, problem affected the entire world.
Just imagine that practically every person on the Earth (except those who are cut off from civilization) knows about this war and felt its breath on their face. Although a little, but felt it.
Everyone paid attention to the event and continue to find themselves in it in one way or another, because they feel the consequences, because they are faced with news, authorities decisions, gossip in the neighboring yard, terrible posts on social networks.
Each of us is living this war in our own way, each of us is fighting this war in ourselves. Everyone has their own scenario, their own thoughts and their own vision. The war today is going on in everyone who has touched this horror in one way or another, even through the media.
Those who believe that the war is going on only in Ukraine, that this trouble will bypass him, that everything will be settled in the end, when the bastard dies, I have bad news for you guys. But I will tell you about it later in a separate article.
For now, I will say: prepare, dear ones, for the worst scenario that you can imagine.
What happens next? Effects
Since the beginning of the war in 2014, it has become a normal phenomenon for Ukrainians to think about the topic “what will happen next”.
Today (the end of 2022) is the time to talk about results and forecasts. This is a trend, which is in demand and occupies the minds of not only people in Ukraine. Many people in the world already understand that the war has long gone beyond the local conflict and the consequences will affect everyone.
The future worries and this is a fact.
Personally, I don’t like to make predictions, but I can at least subjectively assess the scale of the consequences.
The world will never be the same again.
All the romance about a bright and beautiful future now looks so fantastic that there is no place for a human in it.
The world is more than ever ready for purification, for accepting the fact that humans have exhausted themselves as a population and as an element of the total biomass is too close to self-destruction.
We are entering our next formation stage on Earth, survival will be more difficult and the best will cope with it.
And nuclear weapons are an optional element in this conclusion. Because even without powerful explosions, a person is very skillfully engaged in self-destruction, and we will definitely talk about this in another article on the site.
War is an Evolution
Moreover, the pace of this evolution is directly proportional to the front line distance.
On February 24, 2022, every Ukrainian jumped several steps in their development at once.
The promptness of decision-making in the first days of the russian invasion reached space.
Yes, it’s stressful. Yes, not everyone survives. But those who were able to become stronger, more experienced, more confident every day.
Stress is a space for the evolutionary process.
Fear activates the survival instincts that have been tamed by a quiet civilian life.
Ukrainians are now an example of a person with a conditional future. They are ready for many difficult situations that have already happened to them. And how many more trials in the future? How much stronger will the Ukrainian people become?
Wait and see.
War is a horror, it is unnatural and should not exist in nature.
But today’s humanity thinks differently, that’s why we have what we have.
The more war touches a person, the more global changes, the more noticeable evolution in his eyes.
I remember the evolution of my own world to the smallest detail, because this process cannot be compared with anything else, it is a special process that I will study for more than one year, and perhaps until the very end. Because the changes are so radical that they cannot go unnoticed and quickly. I will talk about this in a separate article on my website.
War is a Dirt without Decorations
Murder is a crime. Even for the sake of their own people’s freedom. That’s why the Ukrainian military works on (destroying) targets, not killing people.
The russians came precisely to kill, rob, rape, extort, and occupy.
This rapid flow of filth poured into the lives of Ukrainians so openly that it was imprinted in our genes for many years, intuitively announcing the boundless hatred and disgust for the russian non-human.
The russians will be washed away for tens of years, and even when this happens, scars in Ukrainian hearts will never heal.
The scars will ring forever, reminding this black era of muscovite bio-waste shame, of every our heroes’ deaths who defended their land from maddened invaders.
War is dirt without decorations, and even being on the side of the righteous defense, you feel how much humanity has sunk into hatred, rage, envy, aggression, lies, hypocrisy.
Absolutely all human vices took the stage and played as if it was their last performance.
During this year 2022, I saw, heard, and felt so much dirt that every time it seems – “well… you won’t surprise me with anything anymore” and in a few days you will be covered by the next dark wave of unnatural phenomena, which keep creeping and creeping into your world without stopping.
In a military conflict, each side is guilty
It is unfortunate, but there is such an unpopular opinion that Ukraine’s war with russia could have been avoided, and this is certainly true.
But what difference would it make if it had already happened?
Does it make sense to think about it?
Paradoxically, but there is.
Because the analysis of pre-war events can suggest the certain gaps and management causes, false suboptimal decisions of any link, etc.
Of course, only extremely boring people are doing this now, because today the priority is to win, all the forces are thrown at it.
But if we develop the title, then each side has contributed to the current war.
Every Ukrainian, every russian is guilty of the fact that the war became a reality.
Actually, I feel my responsibility and guilt as much as possible, because I lived a long pro-russian life, which I talk about in more detail other place on this site.
I feel guilty.
And now I’m trying to do everything to forget in this activity that my path is full of muscovite attitudes and desires, like a terrible dream.
Will I succeed?
I don’t think about it.
I just act for the sake of victory, I do as much as possible for Ukraine now.
I feel like a Ukrainian and today this is enough for me to at least not bite my elbows and go to sleep peacefully, because one more day I breathed and acted for the sake of my people and country.
Everyone has their own way of realizing their involvement in this war.
Read the article "I Am The Reason For This War. Daring Dialogue With Yourself"
What has my house turned into?
On the first invasion day, February 24, 2022, literally in 2 hours, my apartment turned from a cozy home into a bunker, where a powerful explosion took place inside.
It did happen, but in my head.
She (my head) persistently thought about what and how best to protect herself in this situation.
I remember that whole day and the next few days almost minute by minute. These are unforgettable impressions, although not the most pleasant in life.
But experience is certainly useful.
My things were scattered everywhere, I didn’t expect to see so much junk.
So many unnecessary things in case of war… I cleaned all this in just a month or even more later.
All the windows were immediately taped over, the fabric products were nailed to the frames, and then also covered with cardboard boxes (now I know why I painstakingly collected them all these years).
Food is laid out in several bags, water, documents, money, medicine, salt, matches, lantern, knife…
Three hours flew by like ten minutes.
First break.
The computer is already in the kitchen for some reason (because it is a more protected side in case of an attack from the east).
Two large bags and a backpack are standing by the front door.
I’m dressed like I’m leaving in five minutes.
I sit down at the computer in outerwear and a winter hat.
I turn on the PC. And I dive into the world of the latest news, forgetting about the Armageddon that took place in my home.
So I fell asleep dressed, but not in the bedroom, but on mattress in the corridor, because only here there are two walls protection.
The echoes of this chaos reverberate even 260 days later.
It seems that something broke in me that day, I changed my attitude to the surrounding space, the junk took a back seat. I notice him, but somehow differently.
I see only what I need to survive. Only the essentials are in sight and at hand.
The mess power both appeared that day and gradually disappeared from my home.
The excess went into the trash, the best remained.
My apartment became, as it seemed to me that day, the most secure of all existing ones.
I felt like a god of emergency response.
What has changed in my life?
The war shook my life for the first time in 2014.
At that time, I worked for a news site and I remember very well how on March 1 I published terrible news about how some law was adopted or signed in russia, which allows the russian military to be on the Ukraine territory. Although the direct text did not say about the invasion, but even then I immediately understood that this was the beginning of the war.
What has changed in my life?
Since that distant March day, war has become a permanent phenomenon for me by default. And the changes began to happen immediately, instantly. And they continue even now.
It is extremely difficult to make a complete list of them. But the main points, of course, can be seen from afar.
In 2014, everything happened on a smaller scale. At that time, huylo denied his involvement in hostilities in Crimea and Donbas, and this was somewhat reassuring, because it was like a war, but not with a vengeance. That is, it quickly became clear that the scale of hostilities would not be large.
In 2022, everything was different, although the war has actually been going on for 8 years.
But this morning certainly shook my life, which seemed ready for everything.
The changes happened instantly, along with the beginning of offensive actions reports and the first explosions in other cities.
The main changes that I noticed:
0. You absolutely hate everything russian. Everything that has something to do with russia makes you sick. It reeks of shit. Sometimes you have to face it, you tolerate it, you cover your nose, but after that you hate it even more.
- You better understand how everything works and how everything affects everything. More attention is paid to the study of political and social processes.
- Everything unnecessary for survival recedes into the background, some things are completely thrown away because they distract with their futility.
- The same applies to thoughts, thinking. The secondary is automatically turned off, you only think about how you can survive in this or that situation, how to do better in certain conditions, what to do.
- All these 260 days I sleep in the corridor on a mattress, behind two (three) walls.
- I always have substantial supplies of water and food.
- I constantly improve my position as a survivor, add something, remove something extra. I constantly revise things’ priority.
- Maximally optimized actions for various cases.
- Daily thoughts about death and how it will meet me. More than one hundred books can be written from these fantasies.
This is certainly not a complete list, I will complete it already, most likely, in a separate material.
And here I will say in conclusion: the world during the wars around it mints contrasting fragments of all the most important things. You see only what is necessary here and now. When there is a war, you only think about survival. Your life actually becomes continuous survival.
As for changes in a broader sense, a separate article is needed here, because the military conflict and the desire to live anything is only the tip of the iceberg.
How to live on?
You have to live no matter what.
No matter how hard it is, I have to live in order to be able to take revenge on the occupiers scum as long as possible.
I understand that this is for the rest of my life.
Every day of mine begins with pain and ends with a sense of satisfaction that my life has nothing to do with russian crap and that I lived it for the benefit of Ukraine.
It is not just necessary to live on, I must do it, because I have my own revenge plan, I have my own Ukrainian path, which I am ready to go to the very end.
Joy has changed its face
When there is a war, you wake up and rejoice that you are alive.
In a few seconds you will remember the hell you are in and that the world will never be the same again.
After a few more seconds, you give a kick to your sadness and with a smile take the first steps in another day, which is filled from the very beginning with restrained optimism.
Later, in a few hours, this optimism blooms throughout the house, because your actions are full of the desire to live, breathing life and Ukraine.
Many things that made me happy a year ago now cause a gag reflex. And this applies not only to russian shit. The list here can be quite large.
But in general, it is much easier to be happy now. You just remember that you are still alive.
You just remind yourself about the opportunity to do something for the victory’s sake and development of Ukraine.
You just walk down the street and mentally thank every hero who gave his life for your quiet and another day without explosions. Thank you to everyone who is currently protecting this “peaceful life” in the rear. And just from the very fact of thanks, it’s already a little joyful, because once again you remind yourself about who you are, where you are, how you are and why.
And in this paradigm, I have something to be happy about, because joy has significantly changed its face…
War is cynicism of the highest degree
I will leave just text of one post from social network:
“The cry of the soul!!! More and more loved ones from the frontline are asking for help!!!! They are asking to find out where the trucks with help, medicine, bandages and protection from other countries are going. Appeals to the funds do not work – in fact they say that they can’t help much at the same time by collecting huge funds from all over the world even in the crypt!!!!!! Quote – “F*ck O** “Povernys Zhyvym” fund, which provides only for the “special ones”. The enemy is getting closer, and our defenseless people are holding the defense with molotov cocktails.
I thought for a long time whether this post will not be regarded as treason – judge, but when Ukraine wins!!!!!”
This text was written in March 2022, and the cases when people used humanitarian aid or martial law for robbery, threats, property appropriation, etc. are not decreasing, they are regular and they will always be. Because there will always be plenty of rats, like decent people, they are everywhere and they are among us.
They are waiting for an opportunity to betray, to cynically and with a smile on their face stick a knife in their brother’s back in order to profit from someone else’s.
This is their nature, their essence, their karma.
War is sheer cynicism.
First of all, directly to human life.
Here it is like a bargaining chip. Few people care about life here, especially in the upper echelons.
There is a task, a goal set by the commander-in-chief, there are officers commanding units, and there are those who carry out final orders and exchange with their enemy. They are going to certain death. And everyone knows about it and goes anyway. They go and die. They die and remain in our hearts. Heroes…
There are no wars without casualties. And this is its main cynicism.
War is death.
War is the worst thing humanity has in its arsenal.
Whoever kills more effectively, who survives more effectively, wins.
Many are not ready and never will be for the level of cynicism that war stares at you.
It doesn’t ask if you can handle it.
It just throws you into the abyss with shit, and there you decide for yourself whether to believe your eyes or lie, not noticing obvious things.
War is a crisis
A crisis is a new opportunity.
War is a new opportunities.
Opportunities are a chance to change something. In which direction is another question.
But changes are happening in any case. Uncompromisingly, relentlessly, globally and in each of us.
War is a crisis of power, it is a crisis of society, it is the final stage of a disease, which the body of one or another country must get rid of through military conflict.
How many times have we heard this word “crisis”, how many times we will hear it again…
Rapid events in the world require efforts to process analytical information
People who can think and are physically able to do so seek the resources and time to figure it out.
The world is becoming demanding in terms of monitoring, searching and filtering information.
The pace set by this war is catastrophic. Even experienced analysts, political scientists, and historians have more than once puzzled over the data offered by this military conflict in Ukraine. What can be said about us, ordinary mortals, who operate with what is at hand and limited knowledge of our mostly apolitical life.
Forecasts regularly and consistently do not work.
Opinions constantly diverge and converge, performing a touching dance on the mouths of public figures.
Who is able to process such a large amount of information and make his own position from the many puzzles of the conflict, which goes back several centuries? Not everyone, that’s for sure. Because resources, first of all, time – you need oh so much. I say this from my own experience.
What can we say about the desire to think critically, to be ready to hear the bitter truth, to change the perspective, to look from different angles, while remaining impartial to emotional factors.
How much has already happened and how much more will happen until the world stops swinging on a broken swing and it will be possible to calmly sum up the results and start a new, more adequate and understandable life?
Will I personally stand this period? There are all prerequisites that no…
War takes away laughter
I don’t want to laugh.
Completely.
This desire came true this year.
In 2014, I was in this semi-broken condition for about a year.
Now everything is much more complicated and powerful.
Laughter as a means of therapy has hid and is waiting for more favorable conditions of its stay in my environment.
First 260 days I honestly laughed 3 times.
Most of the time I’m just calm, a lot with a tense, sad face.
Before that, I always worked to shine even in bad conditions. But now I’m somehow not happy. There is no open loud laughter in this state, I do not see myself in the bright joy and little by little I feel how this darkness swallows me with its peace and balance.
I don’t feel bad, I just don’t want to laugh.
The war crushed this desire and still does not want to return it…
War is the society division
“Every day the number of intelligent relatives is decreasing… And this is a fact!” – just a phrase from the social network.
The conflict between Ukraine and russia is long-standing and has long since reached a new level of its existence. Although for most it is just a military confrontation.
The society division occurs both in a natural plane (when a Ukrainian hates a muscovite, they are angry with their enemy), and within the borders of a separate country (between those who take different positions regarding the conflict itself and its specifics).
As for my circle of acquaintances and communication, a characteristic pattern was drawn here, where all russian-speaking gentlemen and ladies gradually disappeared from the horizon, all contacts in russia were categorically cut off, everyone who supports russia in any format is an enemy to me, just as I am to them.
And this list could be much longer. Because each of the conflict sides carries a certain choice, you have to choose something and in most cases it will not work to sit in the middle.
This war does not recognize “the middle”. She presses against the wall and demands to choose her own path.
Many people around me took a different path than I did; well, fuck you.
I can’t walk at night
This inconvenience makes me very nervous. The curfew closed off access to my nightlife, when I could go out to the store or just walk dark streets. The special pleasure of spring and summer nights, when it is not too cold.
Among all the points in this article, perhaps this one looks a bit funny and inappropriate. But this is my site. I do what I want.
If I singled out this point, then it bothers me.
I need it… I am a night cat. I want to walk at night… Maybe it’s not so much the lack of night walks that pisses me off, but the ban itself, action restrictions. But for the sake of victory over the huesosi from russia, I am ready to endure anything.
Normal life during the war
If you think about this phrase, you want to ask “how can life be normal during hostilities?”
Yes, this is nonsense and there is nothing ordinary here. War is a horror and destruction, although every medal has a flip side.
If you look more superficially, then ordinary life has changed its shape, mood.
Absolutely everything has changed.
Every thing, every business, habit, road, place, event – everything was touched by the hand of war.
For me, there is nothing now where there is no war. And so my ordinary life is war, because it is everywhere, it is breathing down the back of your neck and you have to live like this, you simply have no other choice.
Is it somehow possible to distract yourself and forget, at least for a moment, what is happening in Ukraine?
Just for a few minutes, before the next change of location or action.
And so, in general, the war oozes from almost every second of my life.
War is a violation of borders
Bio-waste, which came to our land to kill and occupy, violated boundaries that had never crossed my mind. I didn’t fantasize about anything that could make me angry. I knew there were such things, but I deliberately avoided actual thoughts.
Now everything is happening in real life. There is no need to fantasize anything. They broke into your house and there is nothing left but to destroy these organisms with rage in your eyes.
I am sure that everyone who defended their native lands from the invader faced such a situation.
Violation of the stable peaceful life laws, adequacy and normality borders destruction.
Violation of own boundaries, violation of human boundaries.
Every war carries with it this endless darkness.
I have personally felt the boundary violation for a long time, for the ninth month in a row.
If the invasion of 2014 was a short-lived and not so significant test for me, now, in the ninth month of the war in 2022, these scumbags have done far, far too much for me to continue living my usual “as-before” life. Boundaries have been violated to such an extent that my life is filled with a thirst for revenge, which will be special. For every russian.
I promise.
War is a constant expectation
Text from my diary:
“Today (May 18, 2022) the air alert lasted 5 hours and 24 minutes.
The sound of the siren has become familiar to such an extent that it is somehow unusual without it: a ringing and frightening silence.
But at the same time, all these five hours you constantly remember that the threat is somewhere nearby, it is possible, it exists, just like every other day. But now it is especially acute.
Of course, you don’t constantly think about a rocket flying through the window, but the fact that for every such siren at least one message arrives in the messenger that “somewhere over there, in such a city, something exploded” does not allow you to relax. And you keep remembering the threat, the real, bitch, threat.”
Everyone is waiting for the victory of Ukraine. I know that even russians are. Most of them. Because they understand what kind of crap they are being led into and how many decades they will be washing themselves from blood and this dirt.
I am waiting for the last muscovite on earth to die.
I’m waiting for fucking russia breaking into dozens of independent states.
I am waiting for the date in the calendar to be engraved with the winning number and it will be reflected in the heart of every Ukrainian as an unforgettable holiday until the last blow.
Lack of good news
Despite all my boundless inexhaustible optimism (my acquaintance won’t let me lie), I still don’t reject reality and allow it to at least express itself, and then react.
So the reality these days is that there is practically no good news.
Yes, there is victory in the future, there is zeal in the eyes of our heroes, warriors. There is endless darkness in russia. There are joyful mornings, because you are alive. I know how to rejoice and find reasons for joy even in small things.
But there is no really good news.
A difficult test awaits us all. Although Ukraine is winning on the military front, this is only the general war part.
More and more often I observe how Ukrainians use war as a means of making money. Someone is on a humanitarian mission, someone openly steals, someone adopts controversial laws, someone has a good time abroad without any thoughts about their native land, someone appoints convenient people to responsible positions, someone hides behind the phrase “not on time” and continues to engage in abomination in front of everyone.
The war tears off the masks and good news becomes rather an outbreak against the general background of serious problems in Ukrainian society than something normal and regular.
My heart breaks from everything I observe but I remain an optimist.
But the lack of good news sometimes grabs by the collar and pulls you into the negative thoughts hell.
War is constant contrasts
As I have written more than once here, war is a prism that changes absolutely all life. You can’t take it and throw it out of your sight. It is there for someone until victory, for someone for life (because memory will not let you forget).
Everything around acquires contrasts.
Color, taste, context, sounds – absolutely everything is transformed through this military prism, it contrasts with past experience, with everything you knew and got used to.
The other contrasts’ side is a meeting with people who have not so deeply let the war into themselves, some individuals even “forgot that it was going on”. You see their laughter, civil zeal, lightness of gait and at first you are surprised, although later you get used to it. Because we are all different.
There have always been contrasts in war, and only the fact that I feel it personally makes them special.
I pay attention to this, I live differently than before the war.
This cannot be ignored.
It cannot be dismissed as a cigarette butt, it is with you, as if it is in your blood and imprinted in your genes: descendants will feel this trace by default…
The world will never be the same again
This expression sounded in one of the ethers, I don’t remember who exactly said it. But I attribute these words to myself, because I responsibly declare that the world will never return to its “normal former” life.
All those who believe otherwise are infantile, immature, far from modern people. And that’s not bad. It’s just that sooner or later awareness will come, everyone will get used to the new conditions, and they are not expected to be very pleasant for the general public.
I will not paint a picture of the future world here. I can fantasize about this endlessly and it’s useless.
The world has changed and you need to look for yourself in this “new” place of residence now.
The sooner this happens, the easier it will be.
I wrote above that the changes are radical and affect (will affect) everyone on the planet. And they physically cannot be selective for someone.
New living conditions are dictated not only by russia’s aggression against Ukraine, but also by the reaction to each of the individual events on the part of other major powers (primarily those that officially have nuclear weapons).
The world is polarizing, the power of countries, associations, and formations are acquiring new features, occupying new positions on the international arena.
The speed with which humanity is rushing into an unknown future reaches beyond space.
That war which is now in Ukraine (and in the world as a whole, in the general sense of the word) is not known to history.
This is a new era and we have witnessed this, on the one hand, terrible, on the other – majestic action, great changes.
War is the destruction of all rubbish
When you breathe war, when you let it into your house, thoughts, and dreams, it instantly removes everything superfluous, only the most important thing remains.
All junk disappears both from the head and from the surrounding space.
You don’t see anything that you don’t need to survive.
You grab only what you need at the moment.
And it is not only about the physical, but also about thoughts, feelings, words, actions.
No one will argue that there is clutter in everyone’s life.
Some have less, some have more. Someone protects it, someone fights it all his life, destroying it, and someone talks to it in the evenings, and there is no one else to share your grief with.
War makes all the useless disappear in the blink of an eye.
The main thing comes to the fore and you clearly see what you need now and what you don’t.
On February 24, 2022, I realized that there was a huge pile of various junk around me in my house.
So many unnecessary things.
Thoughts.
People?
Life. Death. Love. Hatred. Light. Darkness. Good. Evil
These words ring in my head almost every day.
They shine in people on the street, in nature, where I have not been so often lately, in everything that I am aware of and pay attention to.
Everything affects everything.
The war took away the excess, the most important words remained, which shine like beacons even in the darkest days. As a writer, it is important for me to form a vision of these concepts. And for the last year, I have been observing significant deformations of my paradigm. The feeling of a formatted flash drive, freshly installed Windows, clean after bathing.
Life touches you every second with anything. I especially feel alive when something hurts and when I write. Life flows, goes, runs, fills, empties, disappears, possesses, exists, returns…
I have not felt death like this even in the darkest times of the past.
It, like life, is everywhere. Reminds me not to relax and act while alive.
Love borders on hate. Two sides of the same coin. Duality hurts, and only over the years do you realize that it could not have happened otherwise.
Today’s war between Ukraine and russia is a battle between good and evil. For many, these categories are superficially indifferent, but I see how great the difference is in our soldiers and in our people.
We are not brothers and we will never be. We are so different from russians that I still don’t realize how I didn’t notice it.
Someone will say that everything is relative, and I agree.
But in this case, I cannot remove from my chest this burning stream of thirst for a just punishment, I cannot help but take the only correct position for myself in the given conditions.
Somewhere I will definitely tell you about my journey to Ukraine, but now…
Everything affects everything
It works anywhere in the universe.
When it comes to war, the smallest detail affects the final result. Here we add the nationwide guilt of the war start, which I wrote about somewhere above.
Every event, movement, thought, word, step becomes a story and shapes the next moment.
It will be exactly as each of us paints with his life.
The universe consists of molecules.
Like a person.
Like war.
This is an organism that lives due to the desire to kill, possess, influence.
The smallest cry of the youngest mobilized from russia will do its fee in the overall victory of Ukraine.
Someone postpones this day of muscovites surrender, someone brings it closer and pays for it with their lives and health.
Everything influences everything, and this is one of my favorite topics, because it invites the whole universe into discussion.
I feel my influence with this text.
First of all, on yourself. If someone reads, I will influence him, and this path, no matter how long or short, is already self-sufficient, because the impact begins in the process of writing, and not when I see the results of my labor.
These lines, even without publication, live an independent life in my better formed thoughts and views. What can I say if my opinion becomes the property of a wide range of readers?
I will only be glad for such a course.
War is for the rest of life
At least that’s how I feel today.
I physically cannot see the day when I will be able to forget what happened to me.
This transformation, a paradigm shift is so radical and exciting that I can’t see myself in any other role.
I am a warrior and I am going to fight until my last breath.
The methods of my struggle are still infantile and immature, but I am in no hurry.
I have the time and desire to study myself, to improve my skills, to understand, to move quickly and at the same time confidently towards a goal that will necessarily translate into a concrete action plan through its physical existence in my thoughts.
The war between Ukraine and russia continues.
I am sure that the victory is ours.
Thousands of heroes have given their lives for it, so why should I do otherwise?
My weapon for today is my word.
Although I do not rule out my openly military path.
One way or another, too many things have been done that cannot be ignored.
Biowaste in muscovites will pay for their crimes for years, generations. And I do not see myself in a state when I can forgive these monsters.
Today, I don’t see a single scenario in which I will stop looking in the direction of russia and its wretched inhabitants with disgust.
Catastrophic speed of change
Humanity is not ready for such a pace.
It was not ready when the Internet appeared, the mass digitization of everything around began, and it is not ready, especially now, to process such a huge amount of information.
Most of us simply swallow ready-made expressions, look for ourselves in the thoughts of others. There is a catastrophic lack of time to analyze input data.
The evolutionary curve is so steep that the effects of overload are just around the corner. What exactly and how, I will not predict, because you can fantasize a lot on this topic, but the fact is that humanity is not physically ready for the events that are happening now.
There will be adaptation, nature will find a way out.
A human will be able to pass everything through himself.
And if we do not dissolve in nuclear ash, then those who survive will witness a new era of humanity.
Of course, this will be the fortune of the strongest people, most agile, most cunning, in a word – the best of the best.
Dreams about war
For example, last night I had the following dream:
My district has turned into a futuristic city, a kind of conglomeration where the military lives.
The sea is a few kilometers away (although it is actually 500 kilometers to the sea in real life).
On an evening walk, something very big flies over us. At first, it scatters a lot of heat traps, and in a moment even more bright projectiles fly to the whole city.
After a few seconds, the ears are filled with loud explosions that resound everywhere. Hundreds, thousands of loud explosions around.
After this attack, trams began to travel through the city half-submerged underground.
Many seals ran from the seaside, they mingled with the population.
And I see such tapes quite often.
Different variations on the theme of explosions, attacks, military actions, death, blood – all this prepares my brain in a salad chopped by fantasy and feeds it regularly.
Such dreams are normal for me. It practically does not affect my condition, I wake up and continue to live. After the described dream, I feel wonderful. And I don’t remember that any war dream upset me in any way or made corrections in my mood.
But the fact that I did not dream of such a thing before the war is a fact.
War affects everything, including night rest.
War is everywhere
War crept in, seeped in, penetrated everywhere. Like water, air – captured the entire space.
No matter where you go – war is in every corner, even in the most secret.
It not only makes adjustments, but also remains.
In my case – forever.
I don’t sleep like before. For now, in the corridor, on the mattress, behind three walls.
I see dreams with military actions.
I prepare food, thinking about how our soldiers at the front are eating.
I stocked up food for a couple of years.
Rest is constantly accompanied by sirens. They are like an alarm clock that reminds you of the reality you live in, in case you somehow manage to forget.
I look into the eyes of passers-by and see war there. I see the wounded souls of forcibly displaced people, I see the suffering and pain of losing loved ones and acquaintances.
War does not ask for permission and has entered every corner of my life. And it did so with every Ukrainian.
Think of any word, phenomenon, event, emotion, feeling – and mentally add the word “war” there.
These radical changes have only just begun to be understood by me and will become more and more clear over time.
And for now, I calmly accept the war in my life, because I can’t do it otherwise.
If life offers me to pass this exam in this way, I have to accept the challenge and somehow exist, live, enjoy and create with it.
Conclusions
With this text, I did not aim to write about the war in a nice way.
I wrote down my thoughts and observations, and that’s all.
In March, it was a completely different text, after 9 months it had evolved so much that it did not recognize itself in the mirror.
I walked with some thoughts for more than one day. And I continue to wear them to make sure of what I said, to correct, to supplement.
Here is only a small part of everything I can and would like to tell.
This page is more like a table of contents, a teaser, a preview.
The most interesting thing will be later, when I’ll start to reveal individual topics and give free speech to the fullest.
The most interesting thing, as I see it, will be in my works about the war, because there will definitely be such. These experiences cannot pass without a trace for the true writer.
The more I write about war, the more I realize what an abyss it is, how much one can write about it and never even get close to the bottom or the edge.
War can kill not only physically, but also time in this way.
Thanks to everyone who ended up on this page. Coincidentally or not. I hope that my words were an interesting find for someone or just a pleasant read.
Finally, a song that speaks for itself:
Glory to Ukraine
ⓒ Volodymyr Zahnybida
