I haven’t paid much attention to verbal reflection lately and have been short on video posts (My Writing Marathon).
There is a lot to write about, but I’m procrastinating. I am busy with other things. Today was that day… Hard Day…
This happens when some phenomenon, event, words, people, anything rushes at you. You stand, blink your eyes and try to give it all a name, spread it out on the shelves, understand what happened and why.
Such a day happened today.
Every time I get thrown off track, I watch the fall closely. Each time it happens simultaneously according to the same scenario and is unique.
Commonality is that I am the same as I was thirty years ago.
I haven’t changed like everyone else.
Yes, I am more educated, I know more than before, but in general, a person remains constant throughout his life.
What these downfalls have in common is that my so-called weaknesses are with me for the rest of my days. I can’t change the past, bring people back, say words again or keep silent, do something differently. Like every person, I have what I have.
Every key event in life is filled with a certain central phenomenon. I used to give it a name. One word. Very simple and concise.
Today this word is loneliness.
For the fifth time, I watched the TV series “Braking Bad”. I will publish a review of it later, but for now I am writing this emotional text.
I tried on myself the loneliness and doom embodied by the main character. And unexpectedly, they fit me.
I felt anew all my downfalls, from childhood to the present.
The inability to do something, the inability to influence the result.
Lack of alternatives. Lack of help.
Lack of communication and support.
Lack of trust from family and mates.
It happened more than once. And not even two. Many.
Like Heisenberg, I have repeatedly died in total loneliness.
Today I even tried to count exactly how many. And could not, because it was too often.
But math doesn’t matter.
As well as the fact that I am experiencing all this again without witnesses.
As a writer, it is a sin for me to complain about the emotionality and fluctuations of life. I accept everything that happens.
I don’t even know why I wrote this text. Because I can, because that’s why I created this site, at least to have a conversation with someone.
Such a conversation where you will be listened to, your every word, where you will not be interrupted, instructed or tried to convince.
My head hurts a little today.
Today I die again with Walter White.
Today I am born again.
Today started like yesterday without any unusual phenomena, but ends unexpectedly even for me.
Today I am experiencing my own series, going on another tour of my own life and also have an unexpected, dramatic ending.
I try again to find the exit among hundreds of doors.
Each of them is an exit.
Each of them is a word.
Each of them is a person.
Today, the word is loneliness.
Today, the person is me.
Today, the exit is to write.
I am writing.
I am loneliness.
I am exit.
/28-12-2022/
p.s. 100th post on the site
