21st day of my writing challenge and today is the first day of this period where I want to do absolutely nothing.
There are several reasons and here I will try to describe them, thus also for myself to understand more clearly what is happening.
Each of us faces problems from time to time. Everyone has their own unique path, their own circumstances, their own life, thoughts, desires, attitude to everything. We are united by the struggle and desire to be happy, to find ourselves in overcoming obstacles, to gain experience, to use it in later life.
This text will be my solution to the problem.
Perhaps someone will find out the way for their own victory.
How it sometimes happens
Yesterday my mood gave a crack. There were no obvious reasons for this. In the afternoon, I lay down to rest for a couple hours and it ended with me falling asleep in the morning at 3 am.
I got up 12 hours later, exactly at 3 p.m. It was already evening getting dark outside. My head hurts a little and I finally lost the slightest desire to act.
The reasons for my reluctance to do something
One of the first reasons is usually the change of regime.
I’ve been falling asleep no later than midnight for quite a long time and I’m up by 9 am. What is happening now disturbs my good condition not only physically, but also mentally, because of understanding it will be a whole story to level the regime and at least today I will fall asleep in the morning again.
The second reason is a headache. I never tolerated it well. No matter how small or strong it is. If something hurts, I almost don’t want do anything. Perhaps the point is precisely that even because of the pain I have to do something and I deny this hopelessness.
Immediately after breakfast (dinner) I will take a pill for pain, and while I am writing these lines, my head reminds me with a whine.
Pain is a big topic of its own that I would like to cover in a blog. As well as many other curiosities of our life, which in one way or another are connected with creativity and directly with writing.
The third reason for my dissatisfaction is low social activity level. In recent months, communication was much less than before the war. These are the consequences of my attitude towards pro-russian people, and the general lack of desire to interact. The last 20 days that I participate in this marathon, I spent practically alone, because I wrote a lot, worked on the site, translated and studied. I cannot say that there is no time, there is no desire above all. There are fewer and fewer people around, and new acquaintances do not arise. It doesn’t bother me much in general, but somehow affects the current state.
The fourth reason is thoughts. They are constantly wandering their heads, but sometimes they are quite aggressive, especially when negative. Today they cannot be stopped. They attack my brain so nonstop that I have to just sit down and start writing this text in order to get rid of their drumming.
The fifth reason is long-term investment. For the second month in a row, I spend almost all my time on things that do not bring me any profit. Having rather limited financial income sources, I put myself in a not so comfortable position, which constantly conflicts with my main desire – writing.
When I start thinking about the financial side, it immediately affects my attitude towards the overall process.
The path I chose is not popular and risky. But I like what I do. Therefore, periods of my doubts, my dissatisfaction have a certain periodicity, but in general they do not affect me. I believe in my path and what I do.
This is also quite a popular topic (problem) among writers. You have to write for zero penny or you write something and receive money, but this process begins taking financial project features, which undoubtedly affects the content and process nature.
A writer wants to write, but not everyone can afford to do it, because they have to do something for a living. I am sure that many of the writing talents lost their flair in the daily bustle and did not let the world see them in brilliant works.
Money, time… These are, in my opinion, the two most obvious obstacles on any writer’s path. I also want to and will discuss it in separate blog articles.
Writer and action
I am now looking for myself in action, in the process that forms me.
If I am a writer, I must write.
And my main rule: it doesn’t matter what, just write.
I’m just writing.
I write to my blog, I write drafts, and I calm my bad mood this way.
Does it work for me? Right now – not really, because my head hurts and I haven’t eaten anything for 15 hours. But I don’t stop, I keep writing and I will do it as long as I have the opportunity.
Light is important, but not essential
Today, they are again reporting a power outage. I have light yet and I am writing.
I have water and food. I am warm, it does not drip from the sky on my head – so all my reasons have been sucked out of my finger.
Oh well. I ate oatmeal with raisins and dried apricots and now I have to focus on keeping going. My condition is stabilizing. Little by little, but the changes are positive.
Doubts
Not sure that all these words should be freely available. Could they be interesting or useful to someone? I don’t think about it and just do what I think is necessary.
I created this site to be able writing whatever I want, whenever I want, however I want. No one can ban me here, there are only my rules, my territory, which I create as I wish.
My current openness is one of my journey stages, my development as a writer and a person.
Today I do it, and tomorrow I may change my mind.
I write, talk about the difficulties and joys. As it is.
As I said in other texts, the blog is my therapy, my communicating with the world, my way of being a person who just loves to write.
Desire
As a result of my condition today, I must write an article on the topic “I don’t want to write. What to do with it and how to find desire?”
Creative people are constantly swinging on this swing and I have to be ready for it on a more serious scale than today. Despite these problems, I still continue to write.
I continue to exist as a writer and all I have to do is never stop.
